I wish I wasn’t that friend that worries everybody, although I realize I am lucky as hell to have people that worry.

I can’t remember the last time I had my heart so set on something going well. Just one day but it means so much to me

I’m so nervous.

I think it’s actually the L-tyrosine that’s been making me manic-y. I was doing better when taking a break from it, and now that I’m taking it again regularly I’m  acting out again. I hope this is it because the little break I had where I was doing better felt really, really good 

i’ll be the first person to make myself vulnerable but when this feeling comes on its own and not by will, the feeling is a lot different. Uncomfortable

Sept 11

It’s kind of scary thinking about how people like you because of all the things they know about you and your qualities/personality etc, but you can feel yourself changing. If I’m not becoming an unkind person or anything for example, can people who care about me change their mind about caring if new traits emerge? This sounds so goofy to write out but I have this fear that if I embrace the less innocent side of me, like a fucking adult, maybe the people who love how sweet I am won’t see me the same way. I don’t think it works like that though– why my brain tells me these things are mutually exclusive. something’s for sure a little off with my perspective on this. A lil loopy rn don’t know if I’m explaining this well

I was thinking about how, as brutal as my awkward phase was, I’m grateful for it because I feel like I owe having a coo personality/being a v kind human being to it. That being said, my eating disorder bullshit came next. Got emotional the other day realizing this is the first time I’ve ever legit felt beautiful. Back to the ED, my inner dialogue is bullshit. All the negative self talk that EVEN COMES OUT of my mouth and not only just my brain, is the ED talking. When I let it talk, I become boring compared to who I really am. So wrapped up in my little imperfections but when it comes to real life I don’t give a fuck about other people’s appearances besides appreciation for maybe the little baby veins on your earlobes and the gap between your teeth?? Like do I actually, truly give a fuck that one of my eyes is for sure bigger than the other? It’s a distraction. And when I don’t let myself get trapped in my head, the feedback on the me that grew from being an awk goofball for so long is incredible. I’m gonna say it, people who get to know me well really love me for some reason which isn’t something I should take for granted. I hate my eating bullshit for giving me this layer of weird vanity or I don’t even know what to call it. Point of this post is I’m going to practice seeing myself more fairly, the way I see others and the way others seem to see me. I ate 500 cals yesterday and most days I feel dizzy when I stand up but we all start somewhere I guess

There is definitely some solid growth happening. Not progression forward per se, but there is definitely a shift. I just needed a shift to begin with. 

looking through all of my saved snapchat memories i realized there is a direct correlation between me losing weight and becoming more of a shit show. but we knew this was gonna happen, my friends have made jokes about it, just came a little earlier than expected. fuck haha 

the peaceful kind of happy is my favorite kind of happy right now. i’m gonna put euphoria on the shelf for a little while