On a positive note it occurred to me that I am no longer living in the past, which is fucking huge. It just scares me because maybe this monster I’ve been is who the present me really is. I’ve got a lot of growing to do and it feels extremely uncomfortable

Always giving people what it is that I need

Loneliness will turn a person into the worst version of themselves

Imma keep watching girls cuz it’s helping me call myself out on my own bullshit haha

I am so god damn lonely. Life feels so heavy

i feel like alice in wonderland drowning in my own tears, they keep coming and coming. when a “safe place” gets fucked up the feeling is crushing. someone reassures you for so long that you’re okay, talk you through so many growing pains, but maybe you finally fuck up the way they see you or something and the comfort is no longer there.  i’m already so screwed up and closed when it comes to sexuality and men and i shouldn’t feel like i’ve done something wrong, but i do. i just don’t understand what happened. i had a great weekend, but now i am back and i am sad . still hormonal as fuck for what it’s worth but as of now there are tears all over my face and in my hair so i’m writing about it and letting it out

im just so tired of feeling like some sort of alien who doesn’t understand the world or can’t experience it in the same way other people do or something

It’s funny how long it takes for me to absorb things and understand what’s going on. Feeling really good about something and then realizing once things settle down that it’s actually a really bad thing, or feeling like something is the end of the world and then once things mellow out realizing it’s actually a good thing. That’s what’s happening now. I’m becoming a lot more indifferent than I’ve been the last few days, but looking at the situation now makes me feel like shit. And at first I was stoked, ha. But I’m feeling better otherwise

I know hormones are a big part of the problem here but damn I’m sad right now. Like too sad to be awake sad. I found out even worse news and I don’t wanna face anyone, yet at the same time would do anything for a hug right now. Would really love it if I could somehow disappear. Tell everyone I’m somewhere I’m not and just go sleep on the beach for a few days. 

well the good news is that for once i’m more concerned with feeling disappointed with myself than disappointing other people. not that I’m not concerned about both, but I think this is healthier. the bad news is that i’m still disappointing as hell