Tag: diary

I cant remember a time I have felt more alien than I do now, even around my friends. I am not one of them, I am on the outside. sensitive yes, but not completely unjustified. I do feel alone. Not because of the physical part, it just comes back to feeling like a god damn alien. I just want my current state hidden away from everyone and everything. I wish I could just disappear if this is the way I have to be seen. Disappointment, concern, pity, frustration, irritation, not being able to take anything I say seriously– these are the only things I can imagine being faced with right now by my friends and I don’t want to see it. It’s too hard. It hits me too deep and the shame is so overwhelming I am completely crippled by it and I cannot even begin to describe how sick i am of hearing my own voice through their ears. How even if someone stepped in to talk, how the sound of my own voice saying words would make me feel sick to my stomach. There was a time where I felt like I was a crucial piece of the puzzle. This is new territory, and it is bad.

It doesn’t make sense to call ourselves ugly, because we don’t really see ourselves. We don’t watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up and silent with chests rising and falling with our own rhythm. We don’t see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don’t see yourself looking at someone with love and care inside your heart. There’s no mirror in your way when you’re laughing and smiling and happiness is leaking out of you. You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly yourself.

(via bermira)

!!

(via cocconutoil)

yo this shit just made me cry 

I feel like my brain and body are working overtime right now trying to protect me from the emotions brewing just below the surface. Weighing them down with anchors to keep them from floating up where they can be detected, recognized and acknowledged. I feel so numb and indifferent yet every now and then I get a sense of fuck, this is gonna be bad, or it is bad. It’s like I have the itch to act out again but don’t care enough or have enough energy to do it. and then sometimes things are fine but again it’s the indifference toward everything. And then I have moments of being fucking sad. It’s the weirdest thing and it’s scary sometimes. Or maybe this is what it’s like to feel stable?! A little of everything? No clue.