Thinking about alcohol at 12pm isn’t a good thing, especially if you’ve only been up since 10:30. Thinking about a drink every night before bed isn’t good either. Gotta watch myself on this one. 

The idea of loss of transparency, or perceived transparency is so scary. Things had always been so simple that way

My longings for intimacy have hijacked my brain but ASide from that, we gucci

I gotta chill. But I also need to shut down that part of the brain that tells me to chill. Stagnant or reckless, I feel like there’s no in-between.

Fuck

A few things. 

This is the lowest weight I’ve been in years and it’s super exciting. 

I hope things can stay how they’ve been for so long. It’s so fucking important to me that it does and the possibility that it might not is something I’m having a really hard time pushing out of my mind. I hate not being able to clear up misunderstandings to the fullest extent.  

I have really fucking good friends and I spent like 2 hours writing shit about them that I will post soon once it doesn’t sound like a rambling mess. 

There’s something that feels really good about realizing how much you respect someone and care about their happiness, on the most uncomplicated level. Simple and solid. Being human is pretty cool 

I feel so much fucking better in general. When the temporary shift in my environment goes back to normal it’ll be interesting to see if it changes anything. 

Just listening to my parents talk to each other gives me anxiety. Every instance of it, no matter how light the conversation is it can always turn bad. Walking on egg shells even just mentally. Preparing myself for one of them to fuck up the energy. Having the freedom to get the hell out of here is going to make a huge difference I think. Tremendous, I think. There’s a time bomb waiting to go off every day and I feel it ticking in my chest at all times.

One day back and I’m already about to lose my mind. I’ve never punched a wall before today. I’m about to walk down to the beach so I can lay in the sand and cry haha