Tag: diary

may 23

I fixate on the same shit, things that don’t matter much in the bigger picture and/or self inflicted issues because they keep me distracted from the shit that really hurts. Legitimately wondering every day if someone I love is alive or not and having no way to check up on them . Let alone how hard it’s been not having that sisterhood anymore that we had.. let alone not knowing what the fuck is going on, and trying not to feel angry and/or hurt for them going radio silent.

I can’t even write the second thing out. I’ve talked to one friend about and instead of it being cathartic I wish I could pop all those little words right back into my mouth. But it’s fucking killing me and it isn’t going to get better. Anxiety ridden and no clear exit or entrance in sight. I’ve learned I can only do so much to help people be happy, but what I really wish I could do is make people healthy again. I need a fucking hug

april 5

I’m grateful for these painful instances of people I care about not seeing my worth, because they help me to see my own. Stand up for yourself over and over again. A tongue wasn’t put in your mouth to stay bitten.

march 11

I don’t think I’ve ever met a man with more patience than the Jehovah’s Witness who goes door-to-door through our neighborhood once a month and always winds up sitting in our kitchen for an hour listening to my dad talk about his “religious experiences” on acid

march 4

Day 7 Whole30. Now a Whole60, actually. The first 30 to teach me how to listen to my body and pay attention to how foods make me feel, learn to differentiate hunger vs cravings, and to enjoy vegetables. I quit eating meat a month ago, and this was the push I needed to a) quit eating dairy as well and b) get myself to appreciate eating natural foods and coming up with creative ways to cook healthy food for myself. I’m doing it with 2 of my friends and another girl, and we send photos back and forth of our meals and what groceries we are buying to share ideas.  The second 30 will be more weight-loss focused— I will *maybe* go back to weighing myself and counting calories (I’ve been counting calories so far to get an idea of how many cals are in things, but today is my last day), and I will allow myself to recreate sweets— you aren’t supposed to recreate “cake” for example, even if the ingredients are compliant like coconut butter or what have you. There is absolutely no reason for me to not put so much effort into this. There is nothing more important than this right now.

feb 7

One of my best friends moved away 5 months ago and it’s impossible to get a hold of her even though I know she isn’t doing shit. It’s scary and it’s weighing more heavily on me every day. At first it was just worry, it’s always worry, but it’s starting to become fucking hurtful. I’ve never been the type of person to keep texting and texting someone if they aren’t responding, and looking at the one-sidedness of our text thread is making me fucking sad and sick to my stomach. Something’s wrong.