Tag: diary

I’m so happy right now. This is what I needed. Positive interactions with new humans and getting to see my favorite ones more. Being intimate with people. Sex at this age is a lot different (the gap I had was HUGE haha). I’m picturing myself living this life as an adult woman with everything else that’s supposed to go with it and it’s really exciting. I feel confident that I can catch up, I just need to continue to put myself out there. I’m starting to feel my own age, and a strong desire to be able to say I can stand on my own two feet. Side note to self: a situation is only uncomfortable/awkward if you decide it is.

I’m doing much better than I would’ve in the past with this situation. I just wish reality matched up with my perception of things every once in a while. I think I legitimately live inside a dream world of my own

i’ve felt so normal the last 2ish weeks, it felt really good. just.. stable. today i feel sad though– i wonder if it could have anything to do with being high off edibles for like.. quite a few days now (aside from today). could also have to do w being sensitive to feeling stupid but the reality of the situation is i’m making myself this way, which is actually even more sad. haha fuck i’m spiraling again

I watched search and rescue bring a body back up to the top of Bixby bridge a few hours ago. somebody jumped. i can’t stop picturing how lonely this person must have felt making a trip out there right the day before they were supposed to be with their family celebrating what they are grateful for, with the plan to hurl their body off of a bridge before it turned dark outside. did they have a time in mind?  did they notice that one side of the bridge was more peaceful than the other like i had? I was hoping to hear that it was someone who had fallen, but now i can’t decide if that would even be better.

I watched this body (on a gurney under a sheet of course) being pulled back up to the top of the hill awkwardly getting stuck in bushes along the way and somewhere out there, there were people who hadn’t gotten “the call” yet and were about to.  they had no fucking idea, while i was sitting here, a stranger, watching this intimate moment. maybe the most intimate moment of a persons life, even. knowing details they would never know feels so wrong.

  this of course ended up being one of the many situations where i found myself wishing i could be the type of person who is able to keep their composure, but now that i’m home i feel differently. maybe this person deserved someone who had been at the scene to cry for them, instead of a bunch of strangers speculating/sharing info, all pretty much completely devoid of any emotion. maybe they deserved for at least one person at the scene to be crushed by the weight of how fucking magnificent the sunset hovering over this person was on the day he died was, and to either think of it as a beautiful sunset that that person deserved or even to just feel unsettled by how the sky can just go and do something like that, hovering so beautifully over something so dark and heartbreaking. 

i hope whatever comes next, you get the peace of mind you deserve. i am so sorry you couldn’t find it here in time.