Tag: diary

this is the first time in a long time i’ve actually cried over what i see when i look in the mirror.  in the past when i’d look on instagram with my boyfriend he’d scroll really quick past the models he follows, and i told him i don’t care and he doesn’t have to do that and i meant it. but now every day i see new models he’s following/pictures of them he’s liking, girls that look nothing like me who have the big asses i lack. it was different before too cuz they were people he already followed before we dated. he tells me i’m “fucking beautiful” and cute all the time and will tell me i’m “so sexy” when we’re laying naked together, but it’s still becoming really obnoxious. the only reason i haven’t said anything yet is because it’s motivating, but damn it’s making me feel awful. i’m feeling really taken for granted in general and i feel like i don’t want to see him for a while but of course once i do that’ll all fade away

Ironically, becoming official has made me way more insecure about where I stand. We’re at an age where marriage and kids is something to actually consider. Not really fucking around you know? I’m so scared he’s going to regret asking me to be his girlfriend. I’m telling you, my heart is going to be so broken I don’t think I would ever be able to put it back together. I love him and the thought of not having him in my life brings immediate tears . I’ve experienced so many beautiful moments the last 5 months and if I could just build and build onto them forever with the same person forever I would be the happiest girl alive

my ex-roommate & i caught up on the phone. it concerns her i guess that B doesn’t give me the butterflies she still gets around her fiancé. she thinks it’s bad that i don’t really experience jealous or possessive feelings, that i’m not riding some sort of emotional rollercoaster, that he’s not on my mind every minute of the day– in her mind, those are things that equate to passion/ love. i think that’s all bullshit

i recently came across this Buddhist quote that says if you predominantly feel butterflies or any other form of agitation/anxiety, it actually doesn’t mean you’re with the right person. you’re supposed to feel more peaceful inside; like everything is how it’s supposed to be. 

time with B feels like finally getting to collapse onto my own bed after a week of crashing on other peoples’ couches. or like one of those slightly breezy days where steady warmth from the sun blankets itself around your bare shoulders, keeping things just warm enough. it’s like discovering a quiet empty room in the midst of some chaotic party and getting to spend a moment alone, just you and your very favorite person. fuck butterflies, those are the feelings i believe in. and i promise you, you won’t ever catch me taking any of it for granted.

I need to be nicer to my dad. The fact that I’m the most “patient” one in the household with him is bullshit. He deserves better. This is just really hard. He’s my best friend and my favorite person in the world and things are changing

Faced with the choice of whether or not to make myself more vulnerable and open with a possible outcome of things getting even better, but with the risk of getting hurt even more, I’m going to test out the waters. At least I’ll know I gave it my all, and won’t be left with any “what if’s”. If anything has fucked with me the most in the past, it’s been due to a lack of closure. 

note to self, if i’m not staying long enough the next day to even do the cute breakfast in the morning thing there is no reason to sleep over the night before, especially have sex in the morning before i leave, the fuck