Tag: diary

how long is it going to take for the denial to wear off? my best friend killed herself on October 3rd. i will never get to spend time with her again. i will miss her forever and never get to experience that feeling of then finally getting to see her. most of the time these days i can’t feel anything at all.

i found out today my best friend for 15 years, a sister, took her life. my brain hasn’t wrapped itself around it. found out the news, first priority was to clean my headlights. my psyche is doing a good job of protecting me for now. i’m scared to go to sleep

This is the most incredible pain I’ve ever felt and it’s going to get worse. “Maybe I don’t love you. Maybe I was confusing it for something else”. I was bullshitting. Watching your chest rise and fall while you sleep, I have no doubts

Came to write about how peculiar it is to be experiencing sadness regarding happy moments, but it’s just fear, again. It’s scary to think that one day this could all be over. Even just writing that brings tears to my eyes.I hope the little moments we share are as special to him as they are to me. I feel that they are but I can’t help to think of all the times I’ve thought things were something they weren’t. I hope he sees me the way I see him—I hope he sees a future with me. There certainly is work I need to do on my end. I met his whole family last night and went out to dinner with them, and felt like I fit in seamlessly. I almost forgot he was even there but then every now and then I’d look at him and see he was looking at me smiling and it just made me so happy.

I am tired all day because nothing makes me happier than waking up at 5 to cuddle and scratch his back and shower him with kisses and then watch his little naked waddle to the bathroom. Kneel behind him on the end of the bed to shower him with a few more kisses as he puts on his shoes. God damn I love that man so much