Tag: diary

revising earlier post because i’ve made a little more sense out of my feelings in the last few hours. feeling very turned off by the current circumstances. that at a concert his friend introduced me as his “girlfriend” and I had to correct him, and that when I went to his friend’s party without him all of his friends kept asking ME where he was. that i know that i want him, and he still doesn’t know that he wants me. how annoying it is to not know if i should consider myself single or not. that i will never take him for granted, how devoted i am, that i deserve the title BECAUSE of what it stands for– reassurance that the effort and things i invest into this aren’t a waste of time, that he won’t just change his mind all of a sudden. this part is probably me being hormonal af at the moment but i feel like he should feel bad that the stuff we do sexually is what most people save for relationships- that i’ve given it all up but you know, something about not buying the cow when you get the milk for free, so my fucking bad. it sucks that i’m at a place where being mad at him makes me feel less vulnerable and like i have more control. i don’t want it to be like that. i don’t want my vulnerability to feel like a bad thing. i wish i had taken more caution and not let myself fall so fast. something i read yesterday that solidified this is the real deal on my end: “a crush is all ups and downs, with emotional explosions and fireworks which leaves you breathless. love is like a warm cup of chicken soup. it’s there, it fortifies you, and leaves a gentle heat in your belly.” but he doesn’t seem to be there yet and i’m struggling to decide whether it’s the intimate moments and more sharing and learning that’s gonna help this situation, or that that’s what is going to wind up hurting me even more in the end and that it’s time to shield my heart (so cheesy lol). what i’ve brought into his life, my character, the way i feel about him, i’m a fucking keeper. i hope he realizes it.  i’d like to go 2 weeks without seeing him. i hope i’m strong enough to do it.

slluxa:

““You’re in love with him,” she remarks. Her voice is soft. “I can tell by the way you look at him.” “Oh?” I say. “And how exactly do I do that?” She points at the bonfire in front of us. “The way the moon looks at the sun,” she explains. “Like for the first time in your life you feel warm.””

— Sue Zhao (via blossomfully)

Immediate tears

Today I will wallow in sadness because sometimes that shit feels good and it’s been a while since I was able to connect with the sad music I always used to. I’m gonna get it all out of my system. Tomorrow I will make the shift to remembering who the hell i am and it will stay that way.

I wish things were as easy as they were in the beginning. I wish I hadn’t cried so much around him already. I wish I had never let myself overstay my welcome. I wish I gave him less of myself even though it is completely opposite of my nature to hold back. There is someone else out there who would gladly take every ounce of my affection without ever seeing it as needy. But the idea of this ending is something I cannot even fathom. I’m scared that he can see life without me despite all that I’ve brought into his life, and all the special intimate moments we’re having. I hope that the joy and happiness he’s told me I’ve brought into his life will outweigh the bad moments in his eyes while I can salvage what comes next. I’m going to pull away and try to take control of this situation. No extended weekends, no initiating affection, sex 3 times a day is ridiculous and letting him cum in me when he isn’t even my boyfriend and he knows i’m not on birth control should be completely out of the question. It’s all just been so intimate and so fucking fulfilling. It’s hard to beat how peaceful he can make me feel. My friend told me I need to live my life like he isn’t in it, and she’s right. It’s just a lot harder than I thought it would be. I think what’s hard about this is because I didn’t fall hard all at once. Hell I didn’t even like him even close to as much as he liked me at first and it took a while for me to see things this way. My feelings developed much more slowly than usual, and I feel like that’s a part of why it’s hitting deeper. I am convinced that this is not infatuation or lust. It is not intense and passionate, it’s loving and friendly and lighthearted. Wednesday-Thurs I stayed with him when he was sick with a fever and seeing him suffer was unbearable, I wanted to take it away from him. The personal stuff he’s disclosed to me that he struggled with last year hurts my heart and the fact that I wasn’t in his life at that time to help drives me crazy. I saw things ideally developing slowly, deeply, lasting maybe even forever. This is a lot. I thought I knew what it was like to have my heart broken, but I didn’t. And I’m dreading finding out. 

I just don’t wanna forget about the guy I’m dating telling me, “if it makes you feel better I have a hole in my pants too” but not specifying where, and me finding out later when we were driving to the game and I looked over and one of his balls was about ready to fall out of his pants

I need to remember this. One of those this-is-a-bad-side-of-you-and-i-need-to-expect-it-to-rear-its-head-again-one-day-thing. This is possibly PMS, or alcohol, or simply one of those sensitive moments that passes in time and is resolved by a moment of clarity. Am I sad right now because he’s being a dick? Or because I’m realizing this isn’t “it” like I’ve believed it to be? What would this situation look like if the intimacy factor of relationships didn’t exist? Does he respect me? Does he think I’m interesting and wish he knew more about me? Does he look forward to it? A “no” to any of the questions popping into my head would crush me. As of today, I’m over it. Especially in this moment. I want to go home. Do people who have legit found their soulmate, not one of those shitty relationships people ride out as long as they can, have these doubts too? Ones that feel extremely real? So early on before real life challenges are even presented? I simply asked if he could close the door behind him when I’m putting back on clothes after sex. He had company. His response disappointed me. “Why is it my fault?”. What?? I need to address this again. 

He’s said he wants to make sure I don’t feel like he’s using me, and I believe him, or at least I believe that he believes he is not using me. Maybe he is on a subconscious level. But after the girlfriend misunderstanding I think it’s understandable for me to be sensitive to how I am treated after sex. Wait a little to check your Instagram. Close the door behind you if you can’t wait for me to put back on the clothes that I took off so you could fuck me. As of right now, I’m fucking over it. And my green tea pocky are in the cupboard where all the boys are drinking and hanging and my poker face is nonexistent so I don’t want to make a scene. But you know what actually? I’m gonna go get my fucking pocky