Today I will wallow in sadness because sometimes that shit feels good and it’s been a while since I was able to connect with the sad music I always used to. I’m gonna get it all out of my system. Tomorrow I will make the shift to remembering who the hell i am and it will stay that way.

I wish things were as easy as they were in the beginning. I wish I hadn’t cried so much around him already. I wish I had never let myself overstay my welcome. I wish I gave him less of myself even though it is completely opposite of my nature to hold back. There is someone else out there who would gladly take every ounce of my affection without ever seeing it as needy. But the idea of this ending is something I cannot even fathom. I’m scared that he can see life without me despite all that I’ve brought into his life, and all the special intimate moments we’re having. I hope that the joy and happiness he’s told me I’ve brought into his life will outweigh the bad moments in his eyes while I can salvage what comes next. I’m going to pull away and try to take control of this situation. No extended weekends, no initiating affection, sex 3 times a day is ridiculous and letting him cum in me when he isn’t even my boyfriend and he knows i’m not on birth control should be completely out of the question. It’s all just been so intimate and so fucking fulfilling. It’s hard to beat how peaceful he can make me feel. My friend told me I need to live my life like he isn’t in it, and she’s right. It’s just a lot harder than I thought it would be. I think what’s hard about this is because I didn’t fall hard all at once. Hell I didn’t even like him even close to as much as he liked me at first and it took a while for me to see things this way. My feelings developed much more slowly than usual, and I feel like that’s a part of why it’s hitting deeper. I am convinced that this is not infatuation or lust. It is not intense and passionate, it’s loving and friendly and lighthearted. Wednesday-Thurs I stayed with him when he was sick with a fever and seeing him suffer was unbearable, I wanted to take it away from him. The personal stuff he’s disclosed to me that he struggled with last year hurts my heart and the fact that I wasn’t in his life at that time to help drives me crazy. I saw things ideally developing slowly, deeply, lasting maybe even forever. This is a lot. I thought I knew what it was like to have my heart broken, but I didn’t. And I’m dreading finding out.