note to self, if i’m not staying long enough the next day to even do the cute breakfast in the morning thing there is no reason to sleep over the night before, especially have sex in the morning before i leave, the fuck

revising earlier post because i’ve made a little more sense out of my feelings in the last few hours. feeling very turned off by the current circumstances. that at a concert his friend introduced me as his “girlfriend” and I had to correct him, and that when I went to his friend’s party without him all of his friends kept asking ME where he was. that i know that i want him, and he still doesn’t know that he wants me. how annoying it is to not know if i should consider myself single or not. that i will never take him for granted, how devoted i am, that i deserve the title BECAUSE of what it stands for– reassurance that the effort and things i invest into this aren’t a waste of time, that he won’t just change his mind all of a sudden. this part is probably me being hormonal af at the moment but i feel like he should feel bad that the stuff we do sexually is what most people save for relationships- that i’ve given it all up but you know, something about not buying the cow when you get the milk for free, so my fucking bad. it sucks that i’m at a place where being mad at him makes me feel less vulnerable and like i have more control. i don’t want it to be like that. i don’t want my vulnerability to feel like a bad thing. i wish i had taken more caution and not let myself fall so fast. something i read yesterday that solidified this is the real deal on my end: “a crush is all ups and downs, with emotional explosions and fireworks which leaves you breathless. love is like a warm cup of chicken soup. it’s there, it fortifies you, and leaves a gentle heat in your belly.” but he doesn’t seem to be there yet and i’m struggling to decide whether it’s the intimate moments and more sharing and learning that’s gonna help this situation, or that that’s what is going to wind up hurting me even more in the end and that it’s time to shield my heart (so cheesy lol). what i’ve brought into his life, my character, the way i feel about him, i’m a fucking keeper. i hope he realizes it.  i’d like to go 2 weeks without seeing him. i hope i’m strong enough to do it.