Category: Uncategorized

I cant remember a time I have felt more alien than I do now, even around my friends. I am not one of them, I am on the outside. sensitive yes, but not completely unjustified. I do feel alone. Not because of the physical part, it just comes back to feeling like a god damn alien. I just want my current state hidden away from everyone and everything. I wish I could just disappear if this is the way I have to be seen. Disappointment, concern, pity, frustration, irritation, not being able to take anything I say seriously– these are the only things I can imagine being faced with right now by my friends and I don’t want to see it. It’s too hard. It hits me too deep and the shame is so overwhelming I am completely crippled by it and I cannot even begin to describe how sick i am of hearing my own voice through their ears. How even if someone stepped in to talk, how the sound of my own voice saying words would make me feel sick to my stomach. There was a time where I felt like I was a crucial piece of the puzzle. This is new territory, and it is bad.